The Old Me...

Hello Friends,  Today is one of those days... I'm really missing the "old me". Today my hand strength is very poor, I even have a very slight shaking to my right hand. I never imagined that someday doing a load of dishes would be such a big task for me. Know what I did today? Unloaded and filled the dishwasher, that's it! WOOHOO! After doing that one load of dishes, I felt as if I cleaned my entire first and second floor of the house. Not having a very good day at all... Feeling moody, nauseated, stiff hands and muscles, my skin feels sunburned and hurts, migraine, muscles are killing me... Feeling like I have a very bad case of the flu but I don't it's my FMS. I'm so angry at it today... I feel like a thief has come and stolen part of my life and strength away. It's so damn hard... I can't open a damn bottle of water! Why must the bottling companies make the lids to water bottles smaller!? People like me or that have arthritis and other disabilities CAN'T OPEN THEM! Grr! I hate that I sometimes have to use devices to help me open bottles and stuff, I hate that I have in the past asked a cashier to help me open one of these bottles. I felt like I was a 90 year old woman asking for help to open a bottle. Embarrassing...

I am counting my blessings and I'm trying to fight this anger off. I am so truly blessed to have my husband, he loves me unconditionally and is so very understanding . He understands when there are nights I just can't cook, or that I can't clean the house daily like I used too. He shows me so much love... I thank him for being the amazing man that he is. It's very important to support your loved one, and help them as much as you can if they have a chronic illness. I'm blessed to have such a loving son, he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and that he loves me. He tries to help me up and down the stairs when my muscles are hurting and don't want to work, and he kisses my headaches away, rubs my back, and he is always making me giggle at something. I love him for the amazing little boy that he is... He is taking after his daddy, so caring and loving. I do miss my old self though... I can't play with him like I used too... The pain is too bad. I still play with him... but I can't do things like run with him, or go on roller coasters, or play ball with him. I really miss all the things that I used to be able to do, and all of the things I used to dream of doing... I can't do many of them now. For those who are able... Go out there and live as much as you can! Do those things you've always dreamed of doing. Because you never know when the ability to do those things will me taken away from you.... I miss the old me. Well, time to let my hands and arms rest... They are done for now.  Loves <3

Thinking back...

Hey Everyone!  I'm here! It's been a week since I blogged because life has been too busy! Friday was a busy one for me, hubby took the day off work to spend it with me! Then that night I had a night out with my Momma, Sister and Niece. Saturday was my Birthday and my SF 49ers advanced to the Championships! What a birthday present! That night hubby and I went out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. Sunday I can't remember what I did... Oh yeah! watched football! Can't remember much of anything else (Thank you FMS!). Monday I stayed home and took care of my poor kiddo who has a cold, and I'm doing the same today. Anyway... Enough rambling! Down to business ;)

Going back to what I was going to Blog about... Thinking back... I have thought back as to when I think my Fibromyalgia symptoms started. They have done studies and they think that traumatic events could trigger it and start it off. Like car accidents, major surgeries, deaths in the family Etc.  I have thought back to 1998 when my Daddy passed away... It was the most awful thing I've ever experienced in my lifetime. It happened suddenly... I was out Christmas shopping and got a phone call from one of my sisters (Roxy), She was crying and sounded scared. She had told me "Tab, Dad had a heart attack! He's at the hospital" I couldn't believe it and was in shock and all I could do was to repeat "Is he going to be ok?"  She kept repeating "I don't know" we were both in shock. I hung up and waited outside the store in the cold for my husband to pick me up. I was in such a state of shock and crying, a kind employee at the store asked what was wrong, he got me some coffee and offered words of comfort. Hubby picked me up and we went off to the hospital, where I spent most of my time for the next 4 days. Daddy had a massive heart attack, and was in a coma, and was on life support. (This is so hard but I need to face this, and writing is my therapy) Most of the time at the hospital was a blur... I do remember parts of those 4 days. Like crying to him when we were alone, and telling him he had to come back. Because he was supposed to go to the cabin with me in the summer, and go to his favorite ghost town Bodie. I begged him to fight and come back to me... I needed him. (Pausing... In tears right now)

That day my other sister (Linda) came to me, we finally went to my apartment to get a few hours of sleep and a shower. She woke me up and sat at the foot of my bed, and talked about "What needed to be done". They almost lost Daddy that night, and it was time to talk about getting him off the life support. I remember parts of that day... When I went and said my goodbye... I took his hand and stroked my left cheek with it for about 2 mins. I didn't want to forget what his hands felt like or looked like. I remember him stroking my cheek when I was little and sick, he was such a comfort. I can still feel his hand on my cheek today... I'm glad I did that. I remember leaving his room... and standing outside with all the grandkids and family (Close to about 20 of us). I stared up into the sky.... and prayed for God to be there for him. It was a sunny day with Blue skies... a beautiful clear but cold day. We were then told the doctor wanted to talk to us, It was momma and the 5 of us kids, my hubby, my sisters hubby... The doctor in a very quiet voice almost a whisper said "He's gone" I ran down the hallway and collapsed into my husbands arms crying. (Ugh this is still so hard to do *Tears*) It was a horrible hard traumatic thing that happened to me, and now that I think back... Shortly after this I started getting some of my FMS symptoms. This is how I think that my FMS started up... It was the worst thing I have ever experienced.... I might blog later... a quick little one... I need to take a break. <3 Loves -Tab

Amethyst Dragonfly: Too much going on...

Amethyst Dragonfly: Too much going on...: Well, I decided to blog after not doing so yesterday. I've been sleeping in late the past three days, sinuses are really beating me up along...

Too much going on...

Well, I decided to blog after not doing so yesterday. I've been sleeping in late the past three days, sinuses are really beating me up along with this horrible flare I'm in. I've been busy too... Trying to fight off the flare, or am I making it worse? I have been pushing through the pain trying to get my house in order and run errands, trying to get the mountain of laundry done. I can't tell you enough of how sick I am of this painful flare that I'm in, when is it going to let up? I mean the pain never goes away, but having it just barely there would be great! I try not to take too many OTC (Over The Counter) meds because they can do damage eventually. I know because I'm paying for it now... I have Gastritis from taking too many Ibuprophen... I got this before the FMS even showed it's ugly face to me. I injured my back at work and had a horrible quack of a doctor. He was giving me 800mg's of ibuprophen and said I could take up to 8 of them a day, so I did... and now my stomach is a mess. QUACK! ;) Lol But, anyway... I'm getting ready for my Birthday weekend! It's on Saturday and I hope this flare is gone by Friday. Hubby took Friday off work to spend the day with me. I think we are doing a movie (War Horse) and lunch. Then Friday night I'm going to Bingo with my momma, my sister and my niece who's birthday is the day after mine. Then on my actual Birthday Saturday we are doing something... not sure what yet. Hubby also got us tickets to see Celtic Woman for my Bday! They will be in L.A. April 28th... Can't wait! It's so frustrating when the hands don't want to work! Ugh! So on that note.... Goodnight! <3 Loves-Tab

Tomorrow I have decided to write about how and when I think I developed my FMS. (Sorry I had to write that here! The idea came into my head and if I don't jot it down someplace, the Fibro fog would totally set in and I'd forget! FMS is fun like that! Lol)

Off the Charts!

I'm blogging a little early today.... not sure how the rest of my day is going to go. I woke up with a migraine in full rage, and my body is as stiff as a board... Hurting horribly and the pain is insane and off the charts today (From 1 to 10, I'm a 15!). Top it all off my eyes are hurting like crazy today, and I broke my only pair of glasses! Ugh! I want off this crazy Fibromyalgia Train... I want off now! I know I should just be resting, but I can't help but write... Like I said "Writing is my therapy". I promised I'd write a list of FMS Symptoms for those of you who do not have it, But today I'm going to list all of the symptoms that I have thanks to FMS.  Are you ready? Here's My FMS symptoms list that I personally deal with. (Love me the way I am or Leave me. Lol)

1. Headaches/Migraines

2. Skin sensitivity including my Scalp Feeling of it being "Sunburned" and not wanting to be touched

3. IBS 

4. TMJ

5. Tinnitus (Ringing in the ears) Which leads to some hearing loss

6. Mood Swings

7. Depression

8. Muscle spasms (Twitching)

9. Muscle cramps (Charlie horses that are widespread... the worst I get is in my neck!!!)

10. Widespread muscle pain (Can be severe)

11. Swelling in feet and hands

12. Joint pain (Mostly in my hands and Feet)

13. Numbness and tingling (hands and feet)

14. Vision problems (Blurred, dry eyes at times, and trouble focusing

15. Fatigue/CFS (Not always caused by insomnia, I can sleep 9 hours sometimes and wake up feeling like I never slept)

16. PMS symptoms are magnified and even worse than the average symptoms (Told you I'd be totally open with my personal journey ;) Lol )

17. Cognitive function problems: Short term memory loss, confusion, forgetfulness, Sometimes can't "Think quickly" For example math problems or remembering someones name Etc.

18. Anxiety/social anxiety

19. Sensitive to sound... If I'm in a noisy place it sometimes nips at my sensory system (Just like Autistm sensory issues)

20. Sensitive to light

21. Muscle stiffness

22. Dizziness and problems with balance

23. Enhancement of medication side effects

24. Body temp runs a degree to 2 degrees higher than normal

25. Nausea

26. Insomnia (at times, even if I feel horribly exhausted, I can't sleep)

27. Weight gain (Due to inactivity... getting up and moving is not as easy as you think for people with FMS, exercise is very limited to what we are able to do... We can't go and do Zumba, or pilates... So if you think that we just need to get up and go take a Zumba class... LMAO! Think again!)

28. Non cardiac chest pain

29. Night Sweats (Sometimes)

30. Restless Legs

31. Burning/Gnawing muscle pain... Feels like someone is twisting/wringing out your muscles... makes me want to scream.
32. Low immune system, I catch colds so easy it's insane. Thinking I should really buy stock in the company that makes Purell hand sanitizer! becoming a germaphobe! lol
33. Brittle nails (This is why I get acrylics)
34. Sciatica
35. Muscle weakness
36. Burning foot pain

Well, thats all that I can think of for now. I think I've pretty much covered most of my symptoms from FMS. I ask my friends and family (who do not have FMS) to please take 10mins and go to the National Fibromyalgia Foundations website and check out the symptoms... Espcially if you are familty, you need to watch for the symptoms because Fibromyalgia IS Hereditary. My sister Linda was also diagnosed with it... she was diagnosed a week before I was. Just sayin' please check it out... because I love ya! <3 Loves -Tab

Goodnight John Boy! Just a ramble before bed!

Well, I finally made it on here tonight. Today was a busy day! I spent the morning running errands with my hubby and son, we had to go do grocery shopping for my mother in-law. Then we went and picked up my momma. <3 She offered to watch our boy for the day while hubby and I spent time together. We did some shopping, I needed a new Blue Tooth for my phone. I got a pretty cool one... It's Blue and has a star fleet logo from Star Trek. I know... I'm a dork! Lol  Then we had a really nice lunch at Olive Garden, and we were so stuffed we didn't have dinner... we did finally eat a little snack about 10pm. I had a really nice day and loved spending all that time alone with hubby. I tell you, I don't know what I'd do without my momma. (I don't even want to think about that, we are so very close)  I'm so thankful that she is able to help us out by watching our son. It gives us a little time to relax and have some time alone. Alone time with your spouse is very important in a relationship when you have children... especially if you have a special needs child. You need that time just to get away and relax and enjoy each others company.... No Mommy and Daddy duties!  My FMS symptoms haven't been too bad today... Until tonight when I slowed down and put my feet up. Throbbing pains in my feet and the usual knotted feeling in the neck and shoulders, and my body is stiff. My neck is so stiff! It even feels very hard to the touch. It's getting very annoying, my hands are being attacked now by the FM... I have joint pain in them sometimes and stiffness. it makes it hard to even open a bottle of water. It was quite embarrassing when I bought a bottle of water a recently, and I had to ask the cashier if she would open it for me. She was very nice and we were chatting anyway, nobody else was in line or around. I explained a little to her about FMS, and how it was embarrassing to have to ask her to open the bottle. She said it was ok... and that she didn't mind helping me. She also told me that she was used to opening bottles for her mom who had problems with her hands.  Anyway, After a long day of shopping and running all over town, I am done! Pooped! Fizzled out! ;)  Been fighting sinuses like crazy today... at least no migraine showed up! I'm just rambling on here... and I think I should go to bed! I'm probably boring you all silly! ;) Lol  I promise tomorrow my blog will be a little better... I'm honestly to tired to do this right now and my hands are giving me trouble. Night Night!

Fire and Ice

Hello Friends, I've been in a flare for over a week now, this is getting old. I just wish that the pain would be gone for one day... Oh what I would give to feel "Normal" again, just for a day. Today I have that "Battered and bruised" feeling in my legs, and my muscles feel like they are on fire above my knees and in my shoulder blade area... a burning pain. Sinuses are still a wreck, and migraine is poking at me. I have spots in my leg muscles that feel like I have bruises, but there is nothing there. It feels like someone took a baseball bat to them. Yet, I pushed myself anyway to get all of my errands done. It started off taking my son to school and I was finally done by 4pm, I'm beat! But, I still have dinner to get through and we are going to watch my hubby play hockey... yeah, I know I'm nuts! Lol The ice/cold is going to make all the muscles cramp up, and I'll go into charlie horses. Fibromyalgia and the cold do not get along well. But, I can't let FMS run my life completely... I want to live and not waste away sitting around in the house all of the time. I've done that the past few days... It's no fun because it puts you into a depression just staying cooped up. I love to watch my husband play hockey, it's not often that I can make it to a game. Before FMS, I used to be able to Ice Skate and I was so good at it! I was so fast and I could do a Hockey stop, Crossovers, and could skate backwards and do backward crossovers. That is just one thing that FMS has robbed from me. I miss skating fast and having that icy wind blow across my face. I do sometimes feel a little sad that I can't skate anymore, but I enjoy watching my husband play. Besides I think he looks pretty darn sexy in all that hockey gear! ;) Lol  

Anyway, time to go take something to help the pain... I do not take any prescribed medications for my Fibromyalgia. I take over the counter stuff when it's real bad, things like Aleve, Tylynol Etc. They cut the edge  most of the time. People have asked me sometimes... "Why not" and I have been criticized for not taking prescription medication for it. First of all... that "Lyrica" commercial that you see? The one where one magic pill makes FMS go away? It's a load of crap! Most of my "Sisters" (My Fellow fibro fighters) who take Lyrica still have pain, and many of the wonderful (Being sarcastic) side effects from it. In my opinion, why take it? Why if it's going to give you other side effects and Not help much at all? To me... It's not worth it. I might finally give in if this illness were to end out confining me to my bed. I lean on my faith daily, and God helps me get through my days. As you can tell, I'm Christian... I trust that God will take care of me, and He will carry me when I'm weak. I'm a child of God and He will not let me fall. I tell myself daily "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me" I even designed a cover for my laptop that reminds me daily. This entry sure turned out long! Lol I expect that the first few will be quite long... then I think they will shorten a bit ;) So bear with me... Lol Alrighty... That is all for now ;)  Loves! -Tab

Just a few words to get started....

Hmmm Where do I start? ;)  I think I will start off by explaining why I wanted to start this blog. I wanted to start this blog for a number of reasons, one of them is to raise awareness about Fibromyalgia and Autism. I have a son who will be 11 years old in February who has Autism. He was diagnosed at the age of 4 and a half, he is verbal and is high functioning. As for my diagnosis of having Fibromyalgia, it was the day after my sons Birthday!   I was diagnosed in February of 2009. I also wanted to start this blog so I had a place to go... a place to spill my guts and hopefully by doing so, it would help people understand exactly how it is living with Fibromyalgia. many people do not understand the illness, or even believe in it. Believe me it is VERY REAL! There are doctors out there that make it tough on us FMS (Fibromyalgia Syndrome) patients, and they don't believe in the illness. It's totally insane that they don't believe in the illness... Because it is painfully real! More and more awareness is getting out there, and more and more doctors are seeing the studies and becoming believers. So, Just a warning ahead of time... You might see me come in here and totally vent... This I need to do because holding the frustration inside of me will only cause me to go into a Fibro flare. This is my blog... and you will see the rawness in my journey living with FMS. Hopefully my venting will help you learn something, and understand what I'm going through and other FMS patients are going through. I'm going to post some links about FMS and all of the symptoms... PLEASE take the time to read them. not onlt will I ne posting personal blogs from me, I will also be posting facts about Fibromyalgia and Autism. Well, I think that is all for now... stay tuned and I'll be posting more stuff. Right now I'm in the middle of a blasted Fibro Fog! So I have no idea what else to write at this time... Oh... For those of you who do not know what a "Fibro Fog" or "Fog" is... It's when our minds are filled with foggyness and we cannot think straight, Sometimes it's like our words are stuck in our heads and we can't get them out the way we want. So if you see my grammer not being proper, or something misspelled... it's probably because of a "Fog".  I'm in a horrible flare up from the fibro right now, I really over did things for Christmas and then rushed off to Vegas for a few days! I'm really paying for it now... the pain is really bad and my mind is in a big time fog. Anyway... Goodnight all!  Loves <3