Goodbye... Hello...

Hello Everyone,

It's been way too long since I've written. Today I'm feeling like I need to write a goodbye to the life I had before Fibromyalgia. I had hopes of overcoming this... and I'm finally realizing that it's not going to happen. Not unless a cure is found... I pray for one everyday. I pray for one for my family members who have FMS, my friends and myself. It's a cruel illness... I feel like it has robbed me and my family of things, things we've always wanted to do. I used to have a dream to take a photography class, and someday have my own gallery where I would sell my pictures of nature. I have pretty much given that up... It's so hard for me to learn new things and concentrate anymore.... I also forget things quite easily after I learn how to do them, Very frustrating. I no longer have any dreams... only dreams of moving out of L.A. and moving to the country with my 2 Loves. So, I say goodbye to the things that I used be able to do... Ice Skate, Ride a bike, go on long walks, Motorcycle rides with hubby (me on back) and so many more things. Too many to really list. I miss the motorcycle rides the most, I honestly see couples together on their bike, and feel a bit of jealousy. I loved the feeling of being out in the open, and the whole experience, especially quality time spent with my Love. I say goodbye to waking up feeling completely rested, and waking up with energy. I say goodbye to all day shopping trips, and just enjoying getting out and being really active. I think when you have a chronic illness, you have to let go of some things... and just kind of close the door on them, bury them. But, no way am I giving up on things....

This is also a Hello...

Hello to accepting myself the way I am... and trying to live life to it's fullest the best that I can. I'm accepting that I am no longer "Superwoman", I used to be there for everyone and I put myself last. Well, I'm putting myself first (Well, technically 2nd, God is first! Always!). I need to do this... I need to take care of myself so I can help others. Most of all so I can take care of the two most important people in my life... My Erich and Ej.  I will start asking for help when I need it, and I'm not going to feel guilty for asking for help. I will also learn to say "No" more, and not push myself until I drop. I'm going to try and be the best wife and mother that I can be... I love my husband and son more than I can ever say. I'm truly blessed to have such an understanding and loving husband, who is standing by my side during this bumpy journey holding my hand. He tells me every day how beautiful I am, and he shows me daily how much he loves me, and he is so very understanding on my hard days. Thank you to my husband who is the most amazing man, I'm so blessed to have you. You are my rock, you are my world. I'm blessed to have such a precious son, who shows me how to fight every day... He fights his autism everyday, and I see him overcome so many obstacle's. I'm so very proud of everything he has overcome... He is amazing. So, Hello to a new look at things and how I do things from now on... I'm going to accept myself as the way I am... I can no longer mourn the old me. I'm going to look at the things I can do... and do them for as long as I can. I'm going to live... I'm not going to let my spirit die. I love each and every one of my family members who support me, and each and every friends that supports me. Especially the girls on FB at SLOF. Also to the "Fab 6" I love you sisters with all of my heart! and thank you for ALWAYS being there. Now, off I go to learn to accept myself, and to love myself again.

Tears of Pain

So, I know it's been a LONG while since I last blogged. But, tonight I had to get to writing to help me through the pain tonight. Since January a lot has happened. I'm gonna run through this quick... What doctors thought was a sinus infection that I couldn't get rid of turned to many tests. In March it turned one year dealing with sinus infection like symptoms. I went to a specialist where I ended out getting a CT scan of my sinuses, he thought that he saw a tumor on my Pituitary gland. He thought I might have a brain tumor, or a tumor on that gland. I was sent to get and MRI of my brain and Pit. Gland. He was happy to let me know that I DO NOT have a tumor! and he is sending me to a neurologist. I've been getting daily headaches... and migraines at least 4 or 5 times a week for the past 4 months. One thing I did learn is that I'm allergic to the Los Angeles air quality... really sensitive to it. So, now that we are caught up... I'm gonna start off with how I'm feeling tonight.

I layed in bed trying to sleep, but the pain is too severe... Migraine again on top of the flare up thanks to the rain and cold weather... Winter came very late this year. Have you ever heard anyone say I hurt so bad that "My hair hurts" and wondered if that is even possible? Well, I can confirm that it is very possible. I lay there in tears in bed tonight because I can't get comfortable, My skin feels like a severe sunburn and my scalp is actually throbbing in pain. Feel it from my head to my toes.... I came downstairs because I didn't want to wake my hubby with my crying and my typing. Tonight I can't even lay my head on my pillow, I don't want to wear these pajama's but have too.... Doing these things hurt me.  I just pray to God for comfort in this storm.... If I can't be cured of this damn illness... Please help me learn to live with it better, and a few more light pain days a month would be good. I took some Aleve hoping it takes the edge off this pain... so I can at least get comfortable enough to fall asleep. This illness sucks! Totally sucks! It can be so brutal on a persons body and soul... I pray for a cure so nobody else has to go through this kind of pain. Fibro sufferers are always in some kind of pain everyday... it might be very light, or horribly severe like it is for me tonight.... Oopps! it's Morning now 1:10am!  I'm at a loss for words right now... can't think about what to type anymore. I'm just tired... So tired of Fibromyalgia. I ask that if you are a person of faith and you pray, that you pray for a cure and pray to for strength for us FMS sufferers. My hands are starting to cramp up in pain...   fibro has been attacking my hands lately too... Lovely, what else you going to rob me of FMS?

Fibro and Faith

Here I'm lying in so much pain
Thanks to the Fibro and the rain
I'm praying to God from heaven above
to make me feel his comfort and love

Please Lord make this pain go away
I cannot take it another single day
If you can't, I understand
Just make me stronger and hold my hand

I'll get through this journey with you by my side
You've always carried me whenever I've cried
Your love makes me stronger, and fills my heart with love
Father, I can do this... with your help from above. Amen

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Funny how a poem comes to my heart... and my writing is therapy... I think it's time for some sleep. Goodnight and sweet Dreams. Loves

-Tab

The Old Me...

Hello Friends,  Today is one of those days... I'm really missing the "old me". Today my hand strength is very poor, I even have a very slight shaking to my right hand. I never imagined that someday doing a load of dishes would be such a big task for me. Know what I did today? Unloaded and filled the dishwasher, that's it! WOOHOO! After doing that one load of dishes, I felt as if I cleaned my entire first and second floor of the house. Not having a very good day at all... Feeling moody, nauseated, stiff hands and muscles, my skin feels sunburned and hurts, migraine, muscles are killing me... Feeling like I have a very bad case of the flu but I don't it's my FMS. I'm so angry at it today... I feel like a thief has come and stolen part of my life and strength away. It's so damn hard... I can't open a damn bottle of water! Why must the bottling companies make the lids to water bottles smaller!? People like me or that have arthritis and other disabilities CAN'T OPEN THEM! Grr! I hate that I sometimes have to use devices to help me open bottles and stuff, I hate that I have in the past asked a cashier to help me open one of these bottles. I felt like I was a 90 year old woman asking for help to open a bottle. Embarrassing...

I am counting my blessings and I'm trying to fight this anger off. I am so truly blessed to have my husband, he loves me unconditionally and is so very understanding . He understands when there are nights I just can't cook, or that I can't clean the house daily like I used too. He shows me so much love... I thank him for being the amazing man that he is. It's very important to support your loved one, and help them as much as you can if they have a chronic illness. I'm blessed to have such a loving son, he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and that he loves me. He tries to help me up and down the stairs when my muscles are hurting and don't want to work, and he kisses my headaches away, rubs my back, and he is always making me giggle at something. I love him for the amazing little boy that he is... He is taking after his daddy, so caring and loving. I do miss my old self though... I can't play with him like I used too... The pain is too bad. I still play with him... but I can't do things like run with him, or go on roller coasters, or play ball with him. I really miss all the things that I used to be able to do, and all of the things I used to dream of doing... I can't do many of them now. For those who are able... Go out there and live as much as you can! Do those things you've always dreamed of doing. Because you never know when the ability to do those things will me taken away from you.... I miss the old me. Well, time to let my hands and arms rest... They are done for now.  Loves <3

Thinking back...

Hey Everyone!  I'm here! It's been a week since I blogged because life has been too busy! Friday was a busy one for me, hubby took the day off work to spend it with me! Then that night I had a night out with my Momma, Sister and Niece. Saturday was my Birthday and my SF 49ers advanced to the Championships! What a birthday present! That night hubby and I went out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. Sunday I can't remember what I did... Oh yeah! watched football! Can't remember much of anything else (Thank you FMS!). Monday I stayed home and took care of my poor kiddo who has a cold, and I'm doing the same today. Anyway... Enough rambling! Down to business ;)

Going back to what I was going to Blog about... Thinking back... I have thought back as to when I think my Fibromyalgia symptoms started. They have done studies and they think that traumatic events could trigger it and start it off. Like car accidents, major surgeries, deaths in the family Etc.  I have thought back to 1998 when my Daddy passed away... It was the most awful thing I've ever experienced in my lifetime. It happened suddenly... I was out Christmas shopping and got a phone call from one of my sisters (Roxy), She was crying and sounded scared. She had told me "Tab, Dad had a heart attack! He's at the hospital" I couldn't believe it and was in shock and all I could do was to repeat "Is he going to be ok?"  She kept repeating "I don't know" we were both in shock. I hung up and waited outside the store in the cold for my husband to pick me up. I was in such a state of shock and crying, a kind employee at the store asked what was wrong, he got me some coffee and offered words of comfort. Hubby picked me up and we went off to the hospital, where I spent most of my time for the next 4 days. Daddy had a massive heart attack, and was in a coma, and was on life support. (This is so hard but I need to face this, and writing is my therapy) Most of the time at the hospital was a blur... I do remember parts of those 4 days. Like crying to him when we were alone, and telling him he had to come back. Because he was supposed to go to the cabin with me in the summer, and go to his favorite ghost town Bodie. I begged him to fight and come back to me... I needed him. (Pausing... In tears right now)

That day my other sister (Linda) came to me, we finally went to my apartment to get a few hours of sleep and a shower. She woke me up and sat at the foot of my bed, and talked about "What needed to be done". They almost lost Daddy that night, and it was time to talk about getting him off the life support. I remember parts of that day... When I went and said my goodbye... I took his hand and stroked my left cheek with it for about 2 mins. I didn't want to forget what his hands felt like or looked like. I remember him stroking my cheek when I was little and sick, he was such a comfort. I can still feel his hand on my cheek today... I'm glad I did that. I remember leaving his room... and standing outside with all the grandkids and family (Close to about 20 of us). I stared up into the sky.... and prayed for God to be there for him. It was a sunny day with Blue skies... a beautiful clear but cold day. We were then told the doctor wanted to talk to us, It was momma and the 5 of us kids, my hubby, my sisters hubby... The doctor in a very quiet voice almost a whisper said "He's gone" I ran down the hallway and collapsed into my husbands arms crying. (Ugh this is still so hard to do *Tears*) It was a horrible hard traumatic thing that happened to me, and now that I think back... Shortly after this I started getting some of my FMS symptoms. This is how I think that my FMS started up... It was the worst thing I have ever experienced.... I might blog later... a quick little one... I need to take a break. <3 Loves -Tab

Amethyst Dragonfly: Too much going on...

Amethyst Dragonfly: Too much going on...: Well, I decided to blog after not doing so yesterday. I've been sleeping in late the past three days, sinuses are really beating me up along...

Too much going on...

Well, I decided to blog after not doing so yesterday. I've been sleeping in late the past three days, sinuses are really beating me up along with this horrible flare I'm in. I've been busy too... Trying to fight off the flare, or am I making it worse? I have been pushing through the pain trying to get my house in order and run errands, trying to get the mountain of laundry done. I can't tell you enough of how sick I am of this painful flare that I'm in, when is it going to let up? I mean the pain never goes away, but having it just barely there would be great! I try not to take too many OTC (Over The Counter) meds because they can do damage eventually. I know because I'm paying for it now... I have Gastritis from taking too many Ibuprophen... I got this before the FMS even showed it's ugly face to me. I injured my back at work and had a horrible quack of a doctor. He was giving me 800mg's of ibuprophen and said I could take up to 8 of them a day, so I did... and now my stomach is a mess. QUACK! ;) Lol But, anyway... I'm getting ready for my Birthday weekend! It's on Saturday and I hope this flare is gone by Friday. Hubby took Friday off work to spend the day with me. I think we are doing a movie (War Horse) and lunch. Then Friday night I'm going to Bingo with my momma, my sister and my niece who's birthday is the day after mine. Then on my actual Birthday Saturday we are doing something... not sure what yet. Hubby also got us tickets to see Celtic Woman for my Bday! They will be in L.A. April 28th... Can't wait! It's so frustrating when the hands don't want to work! Ugh! So on that note.... Goodnight! <3 Loves-Tab

Tomorrow I have decided to write about how and when I think I developed my FMS. (Sorry I had to write that here! The idea came into my head and if I don't jot it down someplace, the Fibro fog would totally set in and I'd forget! FMS is fun like that! Lol)

Off the Charts!

I'm blogging a little early today.... not sure how the rest of my day is going to go. I woke up with a migraine in full rage, and my body is as stiff as a board... Hurting horribly and the pain is insane and off the charts today (From 1 to 10, I'm a 15!). Top it all off my eyes are hurting like crazy today, and I broke my only pair of glasses! Ugh! I want off this crazy Fibromyalgia Train... I want off now! I know I should just be resting, but I can't help but write... Like I said "Writing is my therapy". I promised I'd write a list of FMS Symptoms for those of you who do not have it, But today I'm going to list all of the symptoms that I have thanks to FMS.  Are you ready? Here's My FMS symptoms list that I personally deal with. (Love me the way I am or Leave me. Lol)

1. Headaches/Migraines

2. Skin sensitivity including my Scalp Feeling of it being "Sunburned" and not wanting to be touched

3. IBS 

4. TMJ

5. Tinnitus (Ringing in the ears) Which leads to some hearing loss

6. Mood Swings

7. Depression

8. Muscle spasms (Twitching)

9. Muscle cramps (Charlie horses that are widespread... the worst I get is in my neck!!!)

10. Widespread muscle pain (Can be severe)

11. Swelling in feet and hands

12. Joint pain (Mostly in my hands and Feet)

13. Numbness and tingling (hands and feet)

14. Vision problems (Blurred, dry eyes at times, and trouble focusing

15. Fatigue/CFS (Not always caused by insomnia, I can sleep 9 hours sometimes and wake up feeling like I never slept)

16. PMS symptoms are magnified and even worse than the average symptoms (Told you I'd be totally open with my personal journey ;) Lol )

17. Cognitive function problems: Short term memory loss, confusion, forgetfulness, Sometimes can't "Think quickly" For example math problems or remembering someones name Etc.

18. Anxiety/social anxiety

19. Sensitive to sound... If I'm in a noisy place it sometimes nips at my sensory system (Just like Autistm sensory issues)

20. Sensitive to light

21. Muscle stiffness

22. Dizziness and problems with balance

23. Enhancement of medication side effects

24. Body temp runs a degree to 2 degrees higher than normal

25. Nausea

26. Insomnia (at times, even if I feel horribly exhausted, I can't sleep)

27. Weight gain (Due to inactivity... getting up and moving is not as easy as you think for people with FMS, exercise is very limited to what we are able to do... We can't go and do Zumba, or pilates... So if you think that we just need to get up and go take a Zumba class... LMAO! Think again!)

28. Non cardiac chest pain

29. Night Sweats (Sometimes)

30. Restless Legs

31. Burning/Gnawing muscle pain... Feels like someone is twisting/wringing out your muscles... makes me want to scream.
32. Low immune system, I catch colds so easy it's insane. Thinking I should really buy stock in the company that makes Purell hand sanitizer! becoming a germaphobe! lol
33. Brittle nails (This is why I get acrylics)
34. Sciatica
35. Muscle weakness
36. Burning foot pain

Well, thats all that I can think of for now. I think I've pretty much covered most of my symptoms from FMS. I ask my friends and family (who do not have FMS) to please take 10mins and go to the National Fibromyalgia Foundations website and check out the symptoms... Espcially if you are familty, you need to watch for the symptoms because Fibromyalgia IS Hereditary. My sister Linda was also diagnosed with it... she was diagnosed a week before I was. Just sayin' please check it out... because I love ya! <3 Loves -Tab